once

it was wednesday afternoon. my phone rang and it was bo. we had a normal chat and then he asked me if i'd like to go to a movie with him. i, of course, asked "which movie?" he responded, "it's a surprise." since i love surprises, i said yes and began to get excited. he told me that we could see it at 7:05 or 9:20 at the theater by the mall, but that if i peeked and tried to figure out what movie he was taking me to, he'd be mad. so, because i hate spoiling the surprise... i waited anxiously for 5:00 to come so i could get home and we could get on with our night!

we had dinner, went to the mall and did some shopping and then it was time. i wasn't allowed to be with him when he bought the tickets. i wasn't to look at the signage. i even kept my head buried in the popcorn bag as we entered theater #13. i sat down and had no idea what i was in for.

the previews came and went and then the story began to unfold. the movie was a delightful film called "once." "once" is a modern day musical set on the streets of dublin. featuring glen hansard from the irish band "the frames," the film tells the story of a street musician and a czech immigrant during an eventful week as they write, rehearse and record songs that reveal their unique love story.



i can't begin to describe the emotion that weighed on me as i watched this film unfold. throughout the film, you learn the story of the guy and the girl (who have no names in the film). the guy running from the pain of a love lost and the girl trying to make sense of her estranged marriage. both musicians, the guy shares his songs with the girl and they begin to write and perform together. the music that is born is nothing short of magical.

my heart leaped and sank, my eyes filled with tears, my feet tapped the seat in front of me, and my hand gripped bo's tightly as this beautiful story came to life in front of me.

go see this film. buy the soundtrack. let your heart swell with the beauty that these two musicians create as if effortless... it is, as i said before, nothing short of magical.

monday morning thoughts...

good morning friends.

it's monday, i haven't written in a while, and i figured it was time to share a little something with you. so, what to write about?

today i think i'll write about losing friends. it's something that has happened to all of us - like it or not - and something that few of us know how to handle.

why is it that along the path of life there are some that come and go, some that stay a long time, and yet still others that stay for the long haul? are we lying to one another when we say "i'll be your friend forever."? how about "i love you."? do i really love you if i only mean i love you right now, but in the future i won't?

what is it about some friendships that make them last and about others that make them short-lived? why is it that with some friends, you can go months without talking, and then pick up the conversation like you haven't missed a beat and with others, if a few months go by that signifies the proverbial end of the relationship? and what about those relationships that you're really ready to move on from, but that seem to linger... so many questions and so few answers.

most of you know me pretty well and know that there have been some people in my life that i have lost as friends and that loss constituted a very difficult time in my life and has left a wound that really doesn't go away. as more and more time goes by, i realize that a lot of what has factored in to the relationships that have lasted over those that have not is the level at which i've been willing to truly be me.

i don't know when or how or why i learned a pattern of morphing into whatever i needed to be to be accepted, but at some point in my life, i did. when i was growing up this didn't really factor in. i was overweight, i loved the new kids, i loved jesus, i was a math geek... none of that made me very popular, but i was okay with who i was and i had a lot of really great friends... some of whom i would still count as friends today.

when i went to college i was surrounded by close friends. again, some of whom i am still very close with and who are definitely in that "pick up like we never left off" category.

but then, after college, something happened. i suddenly didn't know where i fit. the "believers" that i knew were all part of a fellowship that they grew up in together and they didn't really make room for newcomers. my non-believer friends were pretty much comprised of gay men and although we really knew how to have fun together, there was a part of me that didn't really resonate with them. they knew i was a believer and they certainly respected my beliefs, but we couldn't really share much with one another on that level...

so, i guess it was at this point that i started believing that in order to fit in, to be accepted, to have a "home," i needed to be something other than just who i am.

to all those friends who met me during this time, i'm sorry for not just being me. you met, enjoyed, and even loved someone who was partly me, but also someone who was partly who you wanted me to be. i'm sorry for misleading you, for being less than who i am, and for not letting you truly in.

for the past two years i've been rediscovering who i really am. there are a few friends that have stayed close and who have journeyed with me. there has been one man who has repeatedly reminded me of my utmost beauty when i'm really me. and there has been a father who has forgiven me for being less than he made me to be when i wasn't sure how to love myself.

so, thank you to all of you who have come with me this far. i am better for having known you and i hope that when i say i love you, you know that i mean it.