good morning friends.
it's monday, i haven't written in a while, and i figured it was time to share a little something with you. so, what to write about?
today i think i'll write about losing friends. it's something that has happened to all of us - like it or not - and something that few of us know how to handle.
why is it that along the path of life there are some that come and go, some that stay a long time, and yet still others that stay for the long haul? are we lying to one another when we say "i'll be your friend forever."? how about "i love you."? do i really love you if i only mean i love you right now, but in the future i won't?
what is it about some friendships that make them last and about others that make them short-lived? why is it that with some friends, you can go months without talking, and then pick up the conversation like you haven't missed a beat and with others, if a few months go by that signifies the proverbial end of the relationship? and what about those relationships that you're really ready to move on from, but that seem to linger... so many questions and so few answers.
most of you know me pretty well and know that there have been some people in my life that i have lost as friends and that loss constituted a very difficult time in my life and has left a wound that really doesn't go away. as more and more time goes by, i realize that a lot of what has factored in to the relationships that have lasted over those that have not is the level at which i've been willing to truly be me.
i don't know when or how or why i learned a pattern of morphing into whatever i needed to be to be accepted, but at some point in my life, i did. when i was growing up this didn't really factor in. i was overweight, i loved the new kids, i loved jesus, i was a math geek... none of that made me very popular, but i was okay with who i was and i had a lot of really great friends... some of whom i would still count as friends today.
when i went to college i was surrounded by close friends. again, some of whom i am still very close with and who are definitely in that "pick up like we never left off" category.
but then, after college, something happened. i suddenly didn't know where i fit. the "believers" that i knew were all part of a fellowship that they grew up in together and they didn't really make room for newcomers. my non-believer friends were pretty much comprised of gay men and although we really knew how to have fun together, there was a part of me that didn't really resonate with them. they knew i was a believer and they certainly respected my beliefs, but we couldn't really share much with one another on that level...
so, i guess it was at this point that i started believing that in order to fit in, to be accepted, to have a "home," i needed to be something other than just who i am.
to all those friends who met me during this time, i'm sorry for not just being me. you met, enjoyed, and even loved someone who was partly me, but also someone who was partly who you wanted me to be. i'm sorry for misleading you, for being less than who i am, and for not letting you truly in.
for the past two years i've been rediscovering who i really am. there are a few friends that have stayed close and who have journeyed with me. there has been one man who has repeatedly reminded me of my utmost beauty when i'm really me. and there has been a father who has forgiven me for being less than he made me to be when i wasn't sure how to love myself.
so, thank you to all of you who have come with me this far. i am better for having known you and i hope that when i say i love you, you know that i mean it.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
The wood is tired and the wood is old. We'll make it fine if the weather holds. But if the weather holds, we'll have missed the point. That's where I need to go.
Well, I guess one of the questions that comes to mind is, "where were you along your journey when we met?" These next few comments may be better suited for a private convo, but you can always delete them if you'd like and ask me to continue on a more neutral ground. I think that "we" feel like we are among those that fell in love with a different person. And now, you and we are where we are. And we miss the person we knew...we really, really miss her. But we know her journey has continued to journey...and we are happy and proud of who she is now. But we still miss her terribly.
jess -
the prize is always worth the rocky ride.
i love you!
ben -
thank you for reading and thank you for being willing to ask the "hard" questions.
i think we could talk about this at length, but the conversation would be best in person with lori and bo there too... i don't know when we'll get that opportunity.
in the meantime, i'm glad that you're happy and proud of who i am now. the thing i want to remind you of is that part of who you knew was always me. there were just some things that were my attempts to be who i thought you wanted me to be and for that, i'm sorry.
i'm still me. a better version in my opinion, but maybe not to you, and that's okay. we can't live in the past... we only have today.
Bits and Pieces
Bits and pieces, bits and pieces. People. People important to you. People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh or relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them. There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole. Children leave parents, friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think of the many people who have moved in and out of your hazy memory. You look at those present and wonder. I believe in God's master plan in lives. He moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have ever touched your life. You are more because of them, and would be less if they had not touched you. Pray that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question and never regret. Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
Mom
Jess, What's wrong with old wood, dude?!?
:-)
I hope I'm in the "can pick up with at any time" group and not the "lingers on and on, unwanted" group. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger?
B and I were just talking this morning about how I tend to make certain areas of my past into a golden age and then compare the rest of my life unfavorably to it. I'm glad you were in the golden age part, even if I shouldn't do that....
A man will rise and a man will fall from the sheer face of love like a fly from a wall. It's no secret at all.
i hope that you at least thought about breaking into, "we've got tonight babe; who needs tomorrow", because that would have been awesome.
on the heavier side...i don't feel like there's a big discussion that needs to happen (ode to brcg). we all miss the nostalgic "good old days"....it's human nature. i just appreciated your honesty and i wanted you to know that i miss having you around.
by the way Mom. absolutely love your post. very inspiring. did you write it?
mom -
thanks for posting "bits and pieces." it does really speak to the quandary i was posing. i guess i'm not the only one who thinks about these things...
e -
i definitely count you and b in the "we can pick up right where we left off" category. you guys are close to my heart always...
those days at wooster are days i will always treasure. there really is nothing like the sub-culture that college community creates. i'm glad you were a part of my life then and even more happy that you're still a part of my life now.
love you!
ben -
watch it, she's my mom, not yours!
the poem wasn't written by my mom and in fact is listed as written by anonymous. so who knows who wrote it...
I like the old Michael W Smith song "Friends are friends forever if the Lord is the Lord of them". People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a life time. All to be counted among our blessings. Yes its sad, very sad, when the 'reason' or 'season' friends fade into our memories -- yet friends you'll always be and if the Lord of your life is the Lord of their life -- you'll meet again and pick up right where you left off. You enrich the lives of the people who come and go; be blessed along the way.
And yes, it hurts when some go for no reason, there is no explaination, they are just there one day and gone the next. Sometimes we never know why. I have, there are 3 or 4 in my past. I have to give them to God and move forward and sometimes relieve our sweet memories. One day we'll all be together again...one day.
Better is one day in His house, than a 1000 others ....
Thanks for your post; and thanks to the many who have responded. I too appreciate your mom's post. :)
Be blessed.
I know I haven't been here nor there really as a part of your life in the past or present, Sue...except for my nauseating trip to colorado, but I appreciate all that you've posted here, and it should inspire us all to dive headfirst into the pursuit of the identities God has branded us with.
When did we walk away from who He said we were? Where did we take the wrong path? When did we stop seeing ourselves as He does?
Tough to say, but I've been inspired by this very post to return, yet again, to the pursuit of being all that He has called me to be. Being all that I can when I'm yielded and allowing His Spirit to work and live through me.
Thanks for your honest words and heartfelt thoughts. I appreciate you, and would love to deepen community with you and Bo, and anyone else that doesn't mind giving up the shotgun seat if I get car sick...ha.
P.S. I linked to your blog from mind, hope that's ok! :)
russ -
thank you for your comments. i always appreciate what you have to say and also hope that we'll continue to build relationship...
thanks for appreciating my honesty and being willing to to share how it has challenged you.
i'm diving with ya!
Post a Comment